Food Safety

Recently, Ben came home with one of his granola bars in his lunch, still uneaten. When asked why he didn't eat it, he said it was because it said it was past its expiration date (12 JUN 14). He was very concerned. Of course, this is June 12th, 2014 and not June 14th, 2012.... but it's admittedly ambiguous. Once he realized that it was ok, he thought it was pretty funny.

And then there was tonight. He stopped practicing his piano because he had something "very important" to show Stephanie.

He pulled a pack of Fruit Gushers out of the pantry and proceeded to say, "You gave me fruit snacks today at school. Look at this. It says right here:

'KEEP KIDS SAFE! To avoid choking, give Fruit Flavored Snacks only to children who can easily swallow chewy foods. Children should be seated and supervised while eating.'

But there's hardly any adult supervision in the cafeteria!"

This was a difficult situation. He was really upset and on the verge of tears. Stephanie and I were both having trouble holding in our own emotions. You definitely don't want to convey certain kinds of emotions when your child is upset.

He continued, "Porter says that you're probably breaking some kind of law."

Stephanie buried his head in her shirt and hugged him tight. I had to walk into the other room.

After we all calmed down a bit we explained to him that we are here to keep him safe, we would never intentionally put him in danger, and if he felt his fruit snacks were too dangerous, we would not buy them any more. It wasn't the right time for a deep-dive discussion about corporate paranoia in our "not my fault" society, or the controversial nature of the Fruit Gushers ingredient list.

I hope he never starts reading the internet.

Kid Math

Penelope: Mommy! Both of your kids are gone, except for me. That makes one!

Precisely Ambiguous Directions

Dad: Hey Ben, do you remember how Memere and Grandpa drove to take you guys to Chuck E Cheese?

Ben: No! Don't you know where it is?

Dad: I've never been to the new one. I just know it is this direction somewhere. Hopefully we will find it.

...half mile pause...

Ben: Dad, if you see a wide but not tall, tan-ish building, with a picture of a mouse on it, and the words "Chuck E Cheese" on it, and with other tan-ish, not tall, but wide buildings around it, let me know right away, Ok?

Dad: Sure. I'll let you know. Is it going to be on my side of the car, or your side?

Ben: I don't remember. But I think it will be on my side or your side.

On The Tip of His Tongue

I needed a random country name. Ben was standing there. He likes geography.

"Ben, quick, name a country!"

"ummm..."

"Don't think too much about it, just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind."

"F.Y.R. Macedonia."

(long pause)

"Ok, where is that?"

"Right above Greece."

"Thanks!"

Deep Thoughts

Ben: Dad

Dad: Yes, Ben?

Ben: I think I know what a car is.

Dad: Yeah? I think I know what a car is too.

Ben: Well, if you think about it just a little, it's a machine. But then if you think a little more, it's a system. If you think even deeper, it's an automobile. But if you think as deep as you can about it, it's electrons and molecules and atoms all morphed together to make a bunch of parts... Like maybe a million or something... And then those parts all somehow connect together. That's the real definition of a car.

Dad, beginning to take notes: Hang on, Ben, can you repeat all that?

Ben: Sure. So if you think about it, a car is a machine...

Thousands of Words

Little known facts about fig bars

Penelope: Daddy, are you eating a fig bar?

Daddy: Yes...

Penelope: Oh! Those will make you poop right away!

(Yes, we're back to the poop fascination... truth be told, it never really went away.)

Old School

The Fifth Part

Ben: Hey Dad, old school Mario is made of boxes, right?

Dad: What?

Ben: You know, old school Mario. Isn't he just a bunch of squares?

Dad: Oh! Yeah... the pixels were bigger back in the "old days"... Where did you learn about "old school Mario"?

Ben: You drew him for me once, remember?

(No, but I've learned that if he says I did something, I probably did it. He has the memory of... one of those programs on your phone that you can take notes with, and then they stick around forever)

Dad: When was that?

Ben: Back in 2010 or something. What are pixels?

Old School Mario (for the youngsters, and the nostalgic)

Diagnosis

Part IV

Ben reads a lot of nonfiction. He's an information sponge. Every so often he says something, and I think, "Wow.. he read this thing, and then he saw that thing, and he completely understood and made this elaborate connection and applied it and... Wow!"

And then there are other times, when its obvious he read this thing, saw that thing, and a connection was made, but...

Penelope: My head hurts.

Ben: Did you touch any foxes?

Penelope: No.

Ben: Hmmm. Ok, so we know it's not rabies.

Sunsneeze

Part 3 in the "Nevernote" series (whose name keeps changing)...

Ben sneezes pretty much every time he walks out into the sunlight. He used to say he was allergic to the sun. I do the same thing, more often than not, so he must have caught that allergy from me.

So we are sitting at dinner one evening, in a room where the lighting is pretty dim. Suddenly, Ben sneezes and Penelope, without missing a beat says, "Yep. That sun'll get you eeevery time."

Make Your Own Pizza

Part two of the "Lost Notes Archive" takes place in the car, on the way to a different restaurant than the one I mentioned in part 1.

Mommy: What are you guys going to have for dinner?

Ben: Pizza!

Penelope: Yeah, pizza!

Mommy: Hmmm... Ok. What kind of pizza do you want?

Penelope: Cheese pizza!

Ben: Make your own pizza! With sausage!

Penelope: No, wait... I want make your own pizza too!

Mommy: Ok... then what do you want on your pizza, Penelope?

Penelope: Cheese!

Ben: Oh yeah.. sausage AND cheese!

Rainbow Freeze

Sometime earlier this year I installed this awesome program on my phone that lets me take notes anywhere I happen to be. And then it automatically syncs up with the same program on my computer, and I can use that to remind me of all the things I wrote down and remember to do them.

The only problem with this wonderful piece of software is the user. The notes go in, but they never come back out again. Its almost as if I use it specifically as an excuse to forget things. Ironic, since the icon is an elephant.

Anyway, I thought about it a week or two... or maybe a month ago - I remembered taking a couple random notes about stuff the kids were doing and saying. And then I promptly forgot about them because they were stored off in my little glowing elephant rectangle. I went and looked at it today. There's a lot of notes in there. Without further ado, I'll kick it off with "Rainbow Freeze", a note from July 21st.

We were at a restaurant where the kids receive a post-meal popsicle, and Penelope chose a Blue Bell Rainbow Freeze pop. If you are unfamiliar with them, they are a rainbow-colored multi-flavored popsicle, with purple, green, yellow, orange, and red sections. She was working her way down and had just started on the yellow section. 

I asked her, "Penelope, do all the different colors taste different, or are they the same?"

She said "They are different." and continued eating.

I was curious, "What flavors are they?"

"Well," she replied, "The purple is grape. The green is olive. Yellow is lemon... and I don't know what orange or red is yet." 

A few minutes later, after making her way past the yellow section, she stopped and exclaimed, "Oh! the orange is orange!"

I don't think we ever got the report on what red happened to be, but I did get a picture.

Learning Curve

Ben: Hey Penelope, Did you know that the pancreas is an organ in your body?

Penelope: No! I didn't even know it was a word!

Bikeface

So we're sitting around reading, and just enjoying a Sunday afternoon, while the kids run around the neighborhood with all the other neighborhood kids. Suddenly, we hear Ben screaming his head off. Its kind of a common occurrence, so I wait a couple seconds - if the screaming stops, he's just... screaming - no need to get up. Plus, I am cozy on the couch. If it doesn't stop, well then, I need to get up.

It doesn't stop.  So I get up and head outside to check on him.

Ben: "Aaaayyayaaaaaaaghghghh!"

He looks ok.. there's no blood or broken-looking limbs, or any obvious sign of trauma. He's walking around on his own and not holding any particular part of his body like he's in pain.

Daddy: "What's wrong? What happened?"

Ben: "Dean accidentally ran over me on his bike!"

This does not compute.

Daddy: "You mean you guys ran into each other on your bikes?"

Ben: "Ayyyayyyyyayyaayyaaannn! No!"

Daddy: "What happened then?  Calm down a little. Tell me what happened. Tell me where it hurts."

Ben: "My face!"

Ok.. so something happened to his face. Somehow it involves Dean and a bike, but they didn't crash into each other.

Daddy: "Your face? Did you fall off your bike?"

Ben: "Ayyayayayayyy! No! He ran over my face!"

This still does not compute. I look closer and there's certainly some dirt or something on his face... actually it kind of looks like rubber or grease maybe...

Daddy: "He ran over your face? On his bike? What?"

Ben: "Yeeaaaahhh...huh..ih..huh..ih!"

Still no comprehension. I look up at Dean and Penelope, who are both just staring at Ben. Penelope is on the edge of tears, and for his part, Dean is looking extremely worried and remorseful. I don't even have to ask. Yes, somehow Dean really did ride his bike over Ben's face. I still don't understand, but...

Daddy: "How... did he run over... your face... on his bike?"

Ben: "Well, I was playing a game where I was lying down and pretending to be asleep..."

Daddy: "You were lying down in the road?"

Ben: "No! In the grass!"

I'll stop there. The rest is Daddy and Mommy comforting him and checking him out to see if all his teeth are still intact. He  has a small bruise under one eye now. He's otherwise unscathed. But... really?

We kind of let the kids do their thing when they are outside playing. For the most part, anyway. There's a lot of other kids their age on our street, and it is really just their playground. Sometimes that means hours on end of calmly drawing chalk racetracks on the driveway and the sidewalk, or rolling the same ball down the hill over and over and over again. Sometimes though, it's just anarchy. Lately, it is mostly the latter.

Finding Ben and Dylan jumping on top of the trash cans a couple weekends ago was not too surprising. Finding most of the neighborhood making a mud pit beside our house (using Ben's pogo stick to stir it up) and then flinging said mud at the fence, and the tree, and the neighbor's trash cans, and each other.. also not too surprising. Both activities were immediately and firmly denounced to be off-limits, thereby establishing myself as the neighborhood's resident "cranky old dude".

I'm not surprised when they tear all the leaves off the plants, dig trenches in the flower beds, destroy a plastic baseball bat whilst whacking a cardboard box to pieces, etc. And I've grown used to cleaning up my portion of the "trail of chaos" - putting the mulch back where it started the day - clearing the lawn of rocks and toys (rocks go under a bush where they won't dig them out again, foreign toys go near the sidewalk where the rightful owner will see and claim them - local toys are expected to be gathered and put away by someone other than me.)

This one surprised me though. I didn't issue any decrees that there shall be no more running over of anyone's head with anything. I think it's probably a one-time deal. Certainly they wouldn't try it more than twice...

Outside Influences

Penelope has had several influential guest speakers at her school recently. A couple weeks ago, I am told that the "Fire Apartment" came. I'm not sure what they talked about, but she deputized her stuffed animal with a sticker badge that they gave her, and Puppy's voice was very official-sounding for a while.

Then earlier this week, the "Police Station" came. After their visit, she came home with a surprising and somewhat confusing array of swag, including:
A small insulated lunchbox
A badge/name tag lanyard
A small foam semi truck and traffic cone
Two LED flashlights (one with an emergency whistle)
A carabiner key ring
A pen with messages that change every time you click - all about how to avoid getting tickets
A notebook with instructions on the front for how to avoid a DWI
And a can coozy. She really, really took to the coozy.

Again, I am unsure what the details of the discussion were, but I know she got to sit on a motorcycle. That, and the following picture should make Papa Jace proud.

Finally, I am told that yesterday, a "Gentle, High Dentist" came to visit. The discussion is again a mystery, but she started doing some strange things last night, like brushing her tongue. I can't wait to see who shows up next week.

A Note for Ben

Dear Ben,

On your sister's birthday last year, I wrote her a lovely letter here on the blog. I intended to do the same for your birthday as well. I wrote down a whole bunch of stuff about how proud I am of you. Then I read it and realized, as a note to you it was kind of cool. As a note that a bunch of other people were going to read, it just sounded like I was bragging about my kid. Perhaps that's what my public gushing here always sounds like, but it isn't what I intend this place to be. So I put it aside and said "I'll think about it and reword it tomorrow."

But then today (a.k.a. yesterday's tomorrow), I left the house for a run. I was gone about an hour. Less than a minute after I got home your sister said, "Daddy! I didn't know you were back!"

Then you looked at me and said, "I didn't know you were gone!"

Allright then... no note for you! Just kidding. I can't fault you for that - after all, you definitely get it from me, along with a whole host of other things that I should probably apologize for (did you know one of your friends thinks I'm a werewolf? We'll talk about all the odd hair patterns you're probably going to be stuck with, but not today).

So back to your note. There's not really a way for me to say all the stuff that's in there without sounding boastful. I've looked at it for about an hour now. So here's the deal. For the people out here, I'm just going to sum it up, and for you, in person, I'll spell it out (actually, I already did a couple days ago). You're smart, you're funny, you're talented, and you have a kind heart. You are constantly doing something new to amaze me, and I am really, really proud of you.

Happy ((just barely the day after the) day after your) 7th Birthday!

Love,
-Daddy

P.S. Don't let it go to your head. You're still kind of a goofball.

Pepperoni Venn Diagram

First it was the semicircle.  And now this:

I think she's trying to tell us something, but what?!?

Half Birthday

Penelope had her "half birthday" today, and man was she well aware of it! I am not sure who pointed it out to her (Ben), but it's all she could talk about since this weekend. And not just here at home - to anyone who would listen. At school today, they did a routine speech therapy screening thing with all the kids, and we got a little report from the speech therapist who evaluated her. In the report was an area for comments, where she wrote a short note. Among the rest of it:

"Penelope is very delightful! ...and happy 1/2 birthday to her!"

Something tells me that her speech was evaluated quite thoroughly today.

Quote Time

Its time for a few random kid quotes... mainly because I have been collecting them for a couple months now, and simply not doing anything about it. Without further ado, here's some of the more memorable ones:

Context: Riding in the car, listening to the radio.
Radio: "... I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more..."
Ben: "This song makes no sense. Nobody lives that long."

Context: Still in the car, still with the radio, different day, different kid.
Radio: "...are you gonna be my girl?..."
Penelope: "No, I'm not going to be your girl. I'll be Mommy and Daddy's girl, but I'm not going to be the singer's girl."

Context: Penelope swinging on the swing the day after she got her "big girl bed".
Penelope: "Daddy, I'm a big girl now. That makes my heart happy. Does it make your heart happy too?"
Daddy: "Yes. Anything that makes your heart happy makes my heart happy, Sweetie."

Context: Ben talking about things he learned recently.
Ben: "Did you know that turtles can live for over 100 years?"
Light Bulb: "Bing!"
Ben: "Hey! So that's why those turtles we saw at the zoo were so wrinkly!"

Context: Ben at the dinner table, looking extremely thoughtful and staring off into space.
Ben: "Mommy?"
Mommy: "Yes Ben?"
Ben: "Do we have any film?"
Mommy: "Film?"
Ben: "Yeah. That you put in a camera."
Mommy: "No.. why?"
Ben: "Oh no! Then pretty soon I won't be able to take any pictures!"
- Side note - The only reason he knows about camera film is because most of the books he reads were published before he was.

Context: Penelope at the breakfast table, holding up a piece of toast she's been nibbling on.
Penelope: "Look! My toast is a semicircle!"
Daddy: "Uhh.. yeah! It is! How do you know what a semicircle is? Did you learn that at school?"
Penelope: "No."
Daddy: "From Ben?"
Penelope: "No."
Daddy: "From Mommy?"
Penelope: "No."
Daddy: "Then where did you learn that?"
Penelope: "I just know it."
- Side note - It really was a very fine semicircle. But I still have no idea how she knows what a semicircle is.